Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
