mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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