He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
