By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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