The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
