I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
