I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
