no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize