you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
