I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
