My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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