yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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