I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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