I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
