I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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