That's intense
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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