My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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