im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
