There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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