omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
