I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
