Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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