on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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