My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
