I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
