My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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