I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
