My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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