Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
