There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
