have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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