Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
