My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
