all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
