I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
