If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
