I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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