Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
