Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
