That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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