If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
