the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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