i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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