I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
