Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My balls are so social today.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
