I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
