Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
