I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
