Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
