First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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