Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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