whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
