party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
