I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
