And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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