not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You pole danced in your parka.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
