well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
