She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
