today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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