just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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