I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
